When Adoption isn't a Fairy Tale...
I’ve been asked to share my thoughts on what’s happening in the adoption world right now. A child has been “re-homed” and people are outraged. Understandably so.
I have gone back and forth about how to handle this, and after much thought, I’ve determined that the best course of action for me is to take a seat on this one. There are SO MANY incredible people speaking about this and all the nuances that surround it. Birth moms, adoptees, adoption professionals, therapists and more.
So, instead of adding my voice (which would not be based on any personal experience) I’m going to point you to resources, videos, conversations, and articles that I think are worth your time if you are truly interested in understanding this complex topic.
Before I get into that, I do want to add that I’ve been saying for years that we must remember that adoption is first and foremost born from loss. There is beauty, but there is pain.
If you are going into an adoption you must go in with eyes wide open! Love isn’t enough, and we must be willing to sacrifice of ourselves for the sake of the child. Things may go smoothly, attachment may happen easily, but we must prepare ourselves for what happens and how we handle it if it doesn’t.
Our society is built on the idea that we must be happy all the time, that we prioritize “self care” above all else, and while I agree that we must take care of ourselves, there are also times that we must be willing to pour ourselves out, to bleed ourselves dry, for the people that we love. For our children that we’ve committed to loving and raising to the best of our ability.
Self sacrifice is not a four letter word.
If you don’t think you can or want to do that, then I would walk away from adoption and look for another avenue to help children. There are so many ways to get involved in the life of children that doesn’t have to look like adoption. Ask yourself HARD questions, be HONEST with yourself. It’s only a disservice to the child if we don’t do that.
Trauma is real. There isn’t a band-aid that makes it all go away. You can love a child with all your heart and yet you can’t “fix” it. That is a hard truth of adoption that we need to be keenly aware of.
With that said, let’s get into the information:
The Triad Table: Adoption Dissolution:
this is a conversation between birth moms, adoption professionals, and adoptive parents to discuss this issue as a whole. It’s 100% worth your time.
Here a few IG accounts that I like to follow to help me see things from all perspectives:
Therapy Redeemed: he’s an adoptee and now a therapist
https://www.instagram.com/therapyredeemed/
Big Tough Girl: Ashley is a birth mom and shares so genuinely her experience while helping other birth moms and education adoptive parents
https://www.instagram.com/bigtoughgirl/
Abiding Love: An adoption agency that is making waves by putting birth moms first, and talking openly and honestly about domestic adoption and loving birth moms well.
https://www.instagram.com/abidingloveadoptions/
Books:
The Body Keeps the Score: https://amzn.to/3dDiO2y
Whole Brained Child: https://amzn.to/3gWaOf7
Trauma Training:
TBRI® is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that is designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children:
https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.dQ5SZWya.dpbs
That is where I would recommend starting, there is so much out there beyond this. If you truly care about this issue - then keep digging. Keep learning.
We do better when we know better…isn’t that what the incomparable Maya Angelou taught us?
With Love,
Angela